1. Zander aka @fiNah
This American Eagle fitting room mirror pic-taking-JV soccer back up looking-attention seeking twitter diva named “Zander” (not a real name) who aggressively pops up on my timeline everyday with stolen quote tweets that required him to go all the way back to 2015-2016 just to copy and paste.
1. Climb onto a raised surface (preferably a roof)
2. Rip off your tank top/jersey
3. Start an obnoxious chant to get the attention of everyone at the party
4. Smash a beer open on your head for no reason at all
5. Scream "AHHHHHH" after consuming 15% of the beer and spilling the other 85% all over your disgusting shirtless body
6. Ignore the obvious symptoms of your severe concussion
7. Get everyone's attention again by screaming
8. Encourage them to pull out their phones and start snapchatting you
9. Jump off the roof or table
10. Tell every girl who makes eye contact with you that "it didn't even hurt"
11. Scream "where the fuck are you going bitch?" when she walks away from you
12.Redeem yourself and attempt to mask your crippling insecurities
13. Call the 5'4 110 pound guy wearing a youth large Star Wars shirt a pussy and ask him if he wants to fight
14. Send a "Where you at? It's lit here. I just jumped off a room" text to all the girls who didn't respond to your original "where you at? come thru" text
15. Go back to Step 1 and repeat
8 Things That Are Super Relatable to Every College Student
1. That frustrating moment when you feel like you've been sitting in class for at least 2 hours and then you go to look at the clock and it's pointing and laughing at you because you're tripping on LSD.
2. That awkward moment when the lights randomly get turned on at a frat party and you realize the girl you've been making out with all night is actually just a cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton.
3. That stressful moment when you've been in the library for 12 hours straight and you're still nowhere near finished studying all the sex tips and dating advice from your Cosmopolitan magazine.
4. That embarrassing moment when you're making a walk of shame across campus and you suddenly realize that you're still wearing the Dumbledore costume that you were role playing in the night before.
5. That devastating moment when you're trying to make a birthday collage for one of your sorority sisters but you have to cut it short because you only have 697 pictures of her on your phone.
6. When you literally need to drink coffee every morning because your roommate has been secretly lacing the water in your Keurig with xanax and you've developed a crippling addiction.
7. That confusing moment when you're at a random party and you realize that the "jungle juice" you've been drinking is actually just V8 tomato juice and everyone at the party is dressed like "Veggie Tales" characters.
8. That bittersweet moment when you catch your crush LARPing on campus with other guys but her technique and swordsmanship is terrible so you're no longer attracted to her.