In my four years as a college student I’ve come across an abundance of horrible people. I hate talking shit and making fun of others (no I don’t) but some people straight up SUCK and their shittyness needs to be addressed to the world. Here are five of the absolute shittiest people you will undoubtedly experience during your time on a college campus:
The Lecture Interrupters
These are the pseudo-intellectual hipsters who dress like 18th century European detectives and raise their shitty, unwashed hands every five minutes to add meaningless, irrelevant bullshit to the professor’s already unbearable lecture. These people never contribute anything of value or importance to the class discussion; they are just overachieving dildos (dildoes?) who want everyone to know they have a large vocabulary, while simultaneously wasting your time and making class longer.
How to spot them: Stupid glasses, shitty beard, fedora, ponytail, trench coat or other ridiculous over garment, open toed sandals, man purse, smells like a zoo, rides bicycle to class
The Library Loudmouths
These are the girls who migrate to your section of the library like a flock of white-throated sparrows and proceed to emit high-pitched bird noises out of their gigantic bird beaks while you’re trying to focus and study. Everything that comes out of their mouths is a toxic mixture of vocal AIDS and conversational genocide. They gossip about trivial, obnoxious bullshit, complain about their lives and begin every sentence with the word “literally”. The harder you try to tune them out, the louder their bird calls become, until you eventually give up and retreat to a different floor of the library.
How to spot them: long skinny legs, large protruding chest, long neck, big eyes, large beak, covered in feathers
The Door Robots
These are the unappreciative dick bags that refuse to acknowledge or thank you when you hold the door for them – not even with the slightest head nod or smile. These creatures aren’t real humans; they are robots designed by the government that are physically and emotionally unable to demonstrate basic human gestures or personality traits.
How to spot them: They are robots disguised as normal civilians so they are impossible to identify beforehand
These are the morbidly obese, gender ambiguous tubs of lard who want everyone else to share the same hatred they have for the world, so they go out of their way to try to negatively affect the wellbeing of others. They come in the form of parking attendants, teachers, RAs, campus police officers, finance workers, hall coordinators, security guards – pretty much anyone who is in a position of authority and thrives on using their power to make up for the fact that they were social outcasts in high school.
How to spot them: Fat rolls tucked into jeans, fucked up hairline, piece of shit uniform, visible FUPA, holding a clipboard, permanent look of disgust on face, wearing a plastic badge, camping out at parking meters
The Stud Champions
These are the members of the Dickhead Kingdom who find a way to incorporate an athletic feat they accomplished or a girl they banged into every conversation they have. They have the innate ability to turn any topic of discussion into a monologue about how awesome they are. No one gives a smidgen of a fuck about anything this guy says but he feels the need to brag about himself to everyone he meets. You can try to tune him out but that won’t make his story about the night he shot gunned 30 beers and hooked up with 10 different girls any shorter.
How to spot them: snapback, bible quote tattoo, Nike “The Grind Never Stops” t-shirt, aggressively asking for girls’ numbers, flexing in the mirror at the rec, trying to nurture drunk girls back to life at parties, carrying unconscious body into dorm room at night