Are you struggling with capturing the perfect photos for your Instagram account? Are you unsatisfied with the amount of likes you get on your pictures? Are you a self-centered piece of shit with no morals or values? If you answered yes to any of those questions then this list is for you. If you don’t have an Instagram then don’t worry. These picture-taking tips are also useful for Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter.
1. The Hospital
The modern-day hospital, although commonly known for sickness, tragedy and death, is actually a Holy Land for shameless selfie-taking Instagram users across the world. Do you have a minuscule paper cut or mild bee sting that is completely harmless and could easily be healed with a simple band aid? Fuck the band aid; drive to the nearest hospital ASAP and bring your iPhone or android device with you. Once there, post an IG pic of you wearing your hospital bracelet with an extremely vague, nondescript caption so everyone will comment “OMGGG what happened????” and “Holy shittt Rebecca are you okay?!” Then, make sure you ignore all the comments so people will genuinely become worried and assume something is seriously wrong with you. This will increase the amount of likes you obtain on the photo while simultaneously bringing attention to you on other social networking platforms: If all goes well, people will start praying for you on Facebook and constructing hashtags about you on Twitter like “#PrayersForRebecca”. Now all that’s left to do is sit back and watch as all the online attention you assimilate slowly attempts to fill the endless void in your heart.
2. The Hospital
Is your great grandpa whom you’ve only spoken to twice in your entire life on his deathbed? BINGO! Pay him a quick visit and force that dried up, old war veteran to take a break from fighting for his life to pose for an Instagram picture with you – because, after all, your internet popularity is more important than some wrinkly old hag’s final moments of life. Don’t worry if attempting to pose for the picture is extremely difficult and painful for him - the more uncomfortable he looks in the picture, the higher its Instagram stock will be. Instead of having a meaningful conversation and spending valuable time with him during his final stages of life, express all your love for him in a paragraph-long, heartfelt caption for an app that he doesn't have and will never look at.
3. The Hospital
The last, but certainly not least greatest place to take an Instagram photo is in the delivery room of your local hospital, immediately after giving birth to a child. Unfortunately, in order to give birth to a child you have to first become pregnant. If you already are pregnant, then perfect – you’re only a few short months away from record-breaking Instagram likes and heart emoji comments. If you aren’t pregnant, don’t panic – the process is very simple and can be accomplished in a matter of seconds. Now, once you get done creating human life and witnessing the miracle of childbirth first-hand, it is important that you do NOT let all the emotions distract you from what truly matters - uploading absolute gold to your Instagram account. Make sure your baby is FRESH out of the womb and still covered in amniotic fluids and vaginal juices when you take the pic – this will add to the authenticity of the photo and significantly increase the amount of likes you acquire.
You’re welcome in advance.