Tweet: “Who needs a boyfriend when you have Netflix?”
Translation: I failed at acquiring a boyfriend, so I’ve hopelessly resorted to watching Netflix
Quincy from the football team keeps throwing her mixed signals and lies with the accuracy of Aaron Rodgers, and she’s sick of being the wide receiver. She thought Bradley from Alpha Kappa was “different from assholes like Quincy” and that he had “bae potential”, but as she lays in bed, despairingly watching Netflix, she slowly begins to realize that Bradley isn’t going to text her back either, and this is precisely the moment in which this tweet was conceived.
Tweet: “Why can’t guys be like Lucas and Nathan from One Tree Hill?”
Translation: I base my real life expectations off of the situations and events that take place between fictional characters in fictional television shows
Her standards for the male gender are falsely based on professional actors who get paid to portray people who don’t exist in real life. The longer she lays in bed, boyfriendlessly watching the show, the worse her delusions become. This false sense of reality, leads her to become confused when she realizes that Quincy and Bradley aren’t like “Lucas” and “Nathan”.
Meanwhile, Trevor from her Organic Chemistry class is willing to give her the world and treat her like a goddess, but she has him shackled up in the darkest corners of the friendzone, like the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Tweet: “So happy with my life right now”
Translation: My life is an emotional rollercoaster and I’ll be “depressed” again by tomorrow
This person will tweet something along the lines of “literally nothing ever goes right for me in life” in approximately 16-20 hours. For some reason, she thinks that updating all of her followers on the status of her psychological well-being is necessary, but aside from 0-1 of her close friends, no one actually gives a shit. Every second she spends constructing exaggerated tweets about how happy or sad she is, could instead be spent talking to a therapist, who will pretend to care about her life, professionally.
Tweet: “Don’t talk to me unless I’ve had my morning coffee”
Translation: Straight up don’t talk to me ever, because I’m a huge bitch
If you need to be stimulated by caffeine in order for others to communicate with you, then you probably shouldn’t be spoken to at all, because you have the personality of a rust-lump. If you don’t know what a “rust-lump” is, that’s because it’s a made-up word I just invented that means “a grotesque cluster of rusted metal that serves no purpose other than being annoying and shitty”
Tweet: “I hate people”
Translation: I fucking suck
People brought you into this world, and your entire existence is because other people, who are way smarter than you, invented a bunch of awesome shit that you need to survive. But you just decided to collectively “hate people”? You know who else hates people? Wild jungle cats and poisonous snakes. Why don’t you go live in a remote section of the Amazon with Colombian jaguars and Brazilian anacondas, then see how much you “hate people”.
Tweet: “Relationship goals” [picture of 2 celebrities eating ice cream together]
Translation: The goals I have for my nonexistent relationship revolve solely around how it appears in pictures posted on social media
Tweet: “Pizza is bae”
Translation: I enjoy the taste of pizza like every other human being in the world
The sender of this tweet gets a golden ribbon for successfully being a person who has working taste buds. Unfortunately though, pizza isn’t your bae. If pizza WAS a living thing, and had a brain, it wouldn’t want to date you either. Do you enjoy breathing, as well? Maybe oxygen will be your bae.
Tweet: “I give zero fucks”
Translation: I give a plethora of fucks
Oh really, you give zero fucks? Well, congrats, except no you fucking don’t. In fact, you give such an abundance of fucks, that you felt the need to send this shitty tweet out to all your followers in a poor attempt to validate yourself to them. Also, “giving zero fucks” isn’t even cool or appealing. You know who actually gives zero fucks? Serial killers, homeless guys who masterbate in public, and grown men who dress up as My Little Pony characters.